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Mother: Do I like your new hat? I LOVE your new hat. You’ve really bounced back from the incident with the paper shredder and your genitals.

Father: Pal, I think you look just wonderful in your new hat. I’m really proud of you and the way you’ve composed yourself in the wake of the paper shredder thing. 

My friend, Tom: I like your hat so much I’m actually a little jealous I didn’t find it first. And I heard about the accident at your workplace. That’s terrible. My family is praying for you.

My co-worker, Lisa: Your new hat is killer! Also, the custodian said your office is clean enough to return to work now. 

Custodian: After many days of scrubbing and powerwashing, we were able to clean up the walls, floor, desk, and ceiling. The rugs did not make it. I haven’t seen your new hat. 

My doctor: Your new hat looks great, I could never pull it off. It is super cool. Just don’t go too crazy while you’re wearing it. You’ll rip your stitches.

Insurance adjuster who called me: Your coworker told us that you went to sit on the paper shredder but your pants ripped exposing your genitals right before you sat down. We’re following up with you to determine if that story is accurate. I’d love to talk about your new hat, as I’m sure it’s nice, but it’ll have to wait.