Purpose: Learn more about my new apartment neighbor, Jeff.

Research: Random things I’ve heard Jeff say.
“Sometimes I feel cooped up in here.”
“I’m probably going to Cancun for Christmas this year.” 
“I love baths.”

Jeff is a bird disguised as a man.

Experiment #1 – Birdseed: Next time I bump into Jeff, offer him birdseed. Measure time taken to snatch.
Result: None. Forgot to bring birdseed. 

Experiment #2 – Patches: Introduce Patches, my cat, next time I see him. Measure time taken to run away.
Result: None. Forgot Patches at mom’s (again). 

Experiment #2a – Show him photos of Patches instead. Still measure time taken to run away.
Result: Forty-nine minutes. He seemed bored.

Experiment #3 – Bird Sacrifice: Bring pigeon into building and pretend to kill (use plastic butcher’s cleaver and ketchup) in front of Jeff. Measure reaction.
Result: Inconclusive. The pigeon shat on my hand and then attacked Jeff. Waving the plastic cleaver only aggravated the pigeon more. Ketchup (possibly blood) everywhere. A lot of flapping from Jeff — to fly?

Bird hypothesis inconclusive and now irrelevant. Jeff is moving to another floor.

1. Les Fatiguées

2. Mortgage

4. Little Shop of Overpriced Eye Creams

5. My Fair Trade Organic Coffee Lady

6. Upper West Side Children’s Story Hour

7. The Sound of Music Played At a Reasonable Volume

8. The Good Kind of Fat

9. Fiddler On The On the Rooftop Party I Did Not Attend

10. Once Upon A Tempurpedic Mattress

11. The Authority Figure I Used To Idealize But Now See Is Struggling, Just Like All Of Us, Of Oz

12. Cats