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1. This one time I was with my family, and we were going to watch a play. My daughter Shelly said, “Hey, Mom. Can you press play?” Then I said..

1. This one time I was with my family, and we were going to watch a movie. That’s right. 

1. This one time I was with my family, and we were going to watch a movie. Then my daughter Shelly said. Wait. Who’s Shelly again?

1. This one time I was with my family. Or was that the other time?

1. This one time I was with my family and… What was I going to say? Oh, that’s right, something about the time. We started the movie at 8:30. 

1. Number one again? When’s number two? Speaking of number two, I really need to go to the bathroom. Hold on. 

3. How did we just go from one to three? Oh yeah, number two. 

11. Dammit. I meant seven.

8. Then Shelly said, “Hey, Mom. Can you press play?” And I said, “What was it we were going to play again? Scrabble?” 

9. One more to go!  Still sharp as a tack. 

I was living for a month in that house when I received the first envelope. It was a regular white paper envelope, with a peculiarity: his name was Martin. How do I know this? Because the name “Martin” was written on the front. I found it odd – my name is also Martin– but dismissed it. I put the envelope named Martin in a drawer and went on with my life. But these strange visitors kept arriving: every month, near the end of the month, another envelope called Martin appeared under the door. I gathered them all in the same drawer, not knowing what to do with them. Why were there so many envelopes named Martin? Someone must be too lazy to name envelopes. There are so many cool names to choose from — why Martin? I was later thrown out of the house of the mysterious envelopes because the landlord says I never paid the rent. The mystery remains unsolved.

When we watch a movie, instead of cuddling with me, she cuddles with a big Ed Hardy t-shirt she stuffed with leaves. 

Whenever we make out, she says it’d be cool if we didn’t use our hands or mouths or skin. We just sit next to each other sort of wiggling. 

I asked her over the phone if she wanted to go roller skating. She was like, “Of course.” But then she hung up. Later I saw pictures on social media of her roller skating alone.

On my birthday, she gave me a bicycle, which was nice. Except she kept referring to it as a “one person” bicycle. 

She has started introducing me to her friends as one of her mom’s coworkers. 

At the carnival we got stuck at the top of the ferris wheel. I thought it was romantic, but as soon as the ride stopped, she started constructing a hang glider out of her jacket. The messed up thing is it worked. She coasted down to the ground and I didn’t see her again until later. When I found her, she was eating two caramel apples and didn’t offer me a bite of either.

When I asked her if she wanted to go to couple’s therapy, she seemed to grow pensive before telling me that while she and the Ed Hardy t-shirt had ups and downs, she was confident they could work it out on their own. 

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