— PSAs —

  1. Call the police.
  2. If you cannot remember the police’s phone number, call Dale.
  3. If Dale does not pick up the first time, he is probably with Anthony. Call Anthony and ask for Dale.
  4. If Anthony does not pick up right away, continue calling until he does. Meanwhile, someone else should get out the Random Number Generator (RNG) from the Office Emergency Preparedness Pack (OEPP) and begin using it to determine the police’s phone number.
  5. If the RNG and Anthony are taking too long, look in your OEPP for a map to the building’s wise man. To guarantee safety, corporate has equipped every branch with a wise man rumored to know the secrets of the police’s phone number.
  6. Follow the map to the wise man’s yurt in the parking lot. When approaching, keep your gaze lowered out of respect. He will be silent for a time, but if you sit with him and allow your mind to be quieted, he will eventually lift your head to look in your eyes and impart the ancient wisdom unto you. According to legend, your soul will then be awash in a river of despair, a river that you can only escape by pledging to live like the wise man and protect this ancient wisdom. But be warned: it is a binding oath. This knowledge has stayed secret for centuries, and you must completely dedicate yourself to keeping that tradition alive. Your life is forever changed.
  7. If the wise man is on break, call Dale again.

Beware of scammers. Scammers will trick you into doing something you think you’re supposed to do but is actually a lie. A scammer will come to your door and say you are qualified for Social Security and you say “No, I’m not. I’m not elderly.” 

And they say “Yes, you are 164 years old, you should’ve been getting Social Security checks for the last 100 years. Fill out this paperwork and give it back to me.”

“Wow, time really flies,” you say as you fill out all of your internet passwords and credit card info onto the form. What a scam. 

Or someone says he’s from the electric company and tells you the hoses that give you power aren’t working. You flip the light switch on and off and you show him it’s working fine. He says “No: when you flip the light switch down? Then you have no light? That means you’re only getting half the electricity.” 

Then while you’re napping in the next room over, and he’s supposed to be unclogging your power hoses, he robs you. What a scam!

Or some kid, using a comb he stole from your house to pretend he has an adult mustache, makes you think your office at work is actually a dunk booth. Well you don’t want to risk getting wet because of how much that usually burns, so you hightail it out of there. Now the kid takes over your job, and your Social Security payments! What a scam.

1) Stick mints into your ears. The mind-worms are self-conscious about their bad breath and will crawl out in order to retrieve the mints.
2) Have a series of anonymous sexual encounters and then tell your wife that it’s due to being under the influence of the mind-worms.
3) Try to recall as many episodes of Who’s th’ Boss as you possibly can. The mind-worms love that program, and the entertaining memories will distract them from burrowing further into your brain.
4) Enjoy a casual, friendly phone conversation or afternoon at the park with Anne Hathaway or Tom Cruise. Under the regime of the mind-worm, we are all now equals!
5) Vikct cloz, roarsh conf vikct cloz snopsf!  (You’ll understand that one later)