— Professional Guidance —

1. Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for.

Update: 
Write without pay until someone offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, well, that’s what it means to be a writer nowadays. Look upon sawing wood as a way to pay for health insurance.

2. Use the right word, not its second cousin.

Start with the right word, then use whatever word from thesauraus.com that makes you sound smartest.

3. Use good grammar.

And/or emojis.

4. There is one thing I can’t stand and won’t stand, from many people. That is, sham sentimentality.

Actually, sham sentimentality is the Cutest. Thing. Ever. Fan as much of it as possible and then top it all off with “like and share.”

5. The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.

The time to begin writing an article is as soon as its topic starts trending. By that time you begin to perceive how to monetize it for 3 or maybe even $4.

6. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Actually, distort your facts first, and then you can straighten them as much as you please.

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