— One Act Plays —

The Ancient Greeks placed coins on the eyes of their dead, so that they could pay Charon, the boatman of Hades, to ferry them across the River Styx.

Charon: Greetings, departed soul. I am here to ferry you across these blackened waters.

Departed Soul: Thank you, Charon. Please, accept these coins as payment for your trouble.

Charon: Two cents? You want me to paddle you across the River Styx for two cents?

Departed Soul: I’m sorry, it’s all the cash I’ve got on me. 

Charon: It’s like a 600 mile trip. Against the current.

Departed Soul: I understand if you don’t want to take me.

Charon: No, I mean, I’m going to take you. I need the money. You realize it’s like a four-month trip, right?

Departed Soul: Wow, four months?

Charon: Sometimes it takes five or six. It depends on how many monsters I have to fight.

Departed Soul: I’m sorry I don’t have more coins.

Charon: This keeps happening. 

Six months later

Mrs. Charon: Hi honey. How was work?

Charon: Not great. 

Mrs. Charon: Bobby needs money for his scout uniform.

Charon: When did he join the scouts? 

Mrs. Charon: Last month, when you were away paddling. The uniform’s eighty-five dollars.

Charon: Eighty-five dollars for a uniform? What’s it made of, silk? 

Mrs. Charon: If you want, I could ask my mother to pay for it.

Charon: Don’t you dare ask your mother.

JULIET: Doth thee rememb’r yond time we did dance at the ball?

ROMEO: Yeah, t’was a week ago.

JULIET: Yeah.

ROMEO: Yeah.

JULIET: Doth thee rememb’r the hour at which thee thought I was dead and then killed thyself?

ROMEO: Yeah.

JULIET: I wasn’t dead. 

INT. EAR PIERCING PLACE – PIERCING TIME

Melody sits in the big chair. She is about to get her ear pierced and she is nervous.

EAR PIERCING GUY

First time getting a piercing?

MELODY

Ya, I waited so long because I always worry that you’ll somehow miss my ear and pierce my head. Haha!

EAR PIERCING GUY

Hahahaha!

………….. 🙁

EAR PIERCING GUY

Oh no.

MELODY

U pierced it through my head.

EAR PIERCING GUY

i pierced it through ur head.
Melody turns to reveal the piercing. It’s, like, f-ing huge. ://

*

***This article was paid for by moms. Please don’t do more than that one hole on your lobe. Please. Don’t break ur moms heart***

ROBERT sits in his upholstered chair reading a book. SANTA CLAUS enters the stage through a chimney, carrying a large green sack.

SANTA

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I’ve got a brand new, 160-foot, luxury yacht for a Mr. Robert LeBlanc!

ROBERT

I’m terribly sorry, but I’m Robert LeMont.

SANTA

Oh, Shoot. Then this is for you…

SANTA proceeds to kick him in the nuts and shove a banana cream pie into his face. [Curtains.]

ACT 1 

SCENE 1 

MAN and WOMAN sit on a couch. 

MAN: Were there any mass shootings today? 

WOMAN: No. 

MAN: Excellent. 

The MAN and WOMAN sit there, living. 

WOMAN: Would you like to have intercourse? 

MAN: Yes, I would like to have intercourse. 

WOMAN: Me, too. Let us begin the intercourse. 

They have excellent intercourse. 

BLACKOUT.