— Oatmeal-Adjacent Prose —

You’re frequently hassled by movie theater personnel, convinced you swiped a hot dog/fries/porridge Combo Deal. 

Who are they calling Goldilocks? You’re a brunette! 

That time you escaped from prison, the cops had the bloodhounds sniff a bowl of you-know-what. 

Your sister is determined to set you up with her friend who “totally stinks like maple syrup.” 

After you win Eurovision, your signature cologne is …gloppy. 

When you spill large amounts of porridge onto your shirt, NOBODY NOTICES.

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