— Lists —

Adolf Hitler

Charlie Chaplin 

Michael Jordan in a Hanes commercial from 2007

Bruno Ganz when he played Hitler in a film

Sir Anthony Hopkins when he played Hitler in a different film

Sir Ian McKellan when he played Hitler in a straight to DVD Hitler movie

Sir Alec Guinness when he played a Sir Alec Guinness-looking Hitler in his very own Hitler movie

David Bamber when he played a David Bamber-looking but also Hitler-passing Hitler in his also unique Hitler movie

Whomever Hitler kissed on the lips after drinking a glass of milk

Mr. Potato Head toys owned by deranged children 

Me for a second when I was shaving my beard square by square

Making Love and the Metropolis 

Coitus and the Concrete Jungle

Bumping Uglies and the Borough

Townfuckin’

Funeral Home Director

Methane/Landfill Gas Generation System Technician

CDC Infection Control Specialist

Bereavement Counselor

Roadkill Remover

Asbestos Abatement Technician

Wet Nurse

Elder Abuse Investigator

Beekeeper

Pundit

Traffic Accident Investigator

Gynecological Oncologist

Webmaster

Ethicist

Your ex-boyfriend

11 mutual friends

Your neighbor who wears a MAGA hat

7  mutual friends

That kid from high school who always creeped you out for some reason, even though you can’t quite articulate why

6 mutual friends

Your dentist

2 mutual friends

Your childhood best friend-turned-enemy who you still hold a grudge against

3 mutual friends

The guy you had a crush on for years and made out with once, only to find out he slept with your friend and lied to you about it

34 mutual friends

The guy you talked to at a party who told you he’s a “single-issue voter” and managed to spit on you while talking

9 mutual friends

Someone whose name is vaguely familiar

10 mutual friends

A local business that allegedly sells pottery but is possibly laundering money

14 mutual friends

A guy you think you know but you’re not sure because he has a beard now, did he have a beard before or did he just grow one? 

28 mutual friends

Someone you thought you were already friends with on Facebook

12 mutual friends

A woman you’d like to be friends with but if she doesn’t accept your friend request you’ll be crushed

11 mutual friends

Your former dog walker who seems a little unhinged

6 mutual friends

A baby

No mutual friends

A very well-known body of water

30 mutual friends

Forgetting trash day 

Flying through spiderwebs 

Trying to drink from a beer boot 

Super-acne 

Blanking on the name of someone he just met 

Removing a bra 

Keeping track of receipts 

A Rubik’s cube 

Trying to make a decent béarnaise 

February

Adults: $15 

Children: $15 

Seniors: $15 

Senior with Small Child: $15 (each) 

Uniformed Military Personnel: $15 

Military Personnel in Civilian Clothing (with military ID): $15 

Wheelchair Patron: $10 (plus $5 for use of wheelchair ramp) 

Disadvantaged Student with Scholarship to Vocational School: $15 

Blind: $15 

Blind in One Eye: $12 (plus three-dollar Eyepatch Tax) 

Deaf and Dumb: Please inquire at box office 

Group Fee (10 persons): $150