— Life Advice —

For a minimal additional fee, many GrubHub drivers will come into your house and feed you by hand.

If it means that she’ll possibly be able to see you for a few minutes, you mom will come over and mow your lawn.

When invited to a square dance, claim that a traumatic incident in your past has left you unable to dosey-doe.

Only dress up like Spock for Halloween if your ears are already a little pointy.

Here are some pointers on how to deal with misfortune.

1.         Be grateful for what you have.

            There’s a saying, “I felt bad because I had no shoes but then I saw a man who had no legs.” I myself once lost my socks. These were my favorite socks. But then I saw someone who’d lost their whole family in a fire on Christmas and I thought, Hey, buy new socks! And it worked!

2.         Don’t give up.

            Suppose someone you love is in an awful accident, and dies —and they were just about to give you a lot of money and didn’t put it in writing or tell anyone and now no one believes you.  Don’t give up — it still can be yours! Just go to the funeral reception and go upstairs and rifle through their drawers and jewelry box till you recoup what’s due you.

            It’s what they would have wanted.

3.         Be generous.

            What if you come down with a fatal illness yourself?  What a welter of thoughts will assail you! But one thing for sure you’ll be asking is, what should I serve when guests drop by? 

            First, serve the good scotch you normally hide. Once you’re dead, they’ll find it anyway — their judgments may be severe.

4.         Finally — Seek spirituality.

            If you are troubled that bad things happen to good people, you may despair. Find solace in this spiritual truth: Bad things happen to bad people, also.

Creepy men let their creep know no bounds. They follow women home, they catcall teenagers, they fill the majority of the positions in our government. When you’re the recipient of their creep, you can feel powerless and afraid. The solution?

Take the creepy man’s field mice, 

and bop them on the head.

They’ll have no choice other than to stop being creepy and instead be like, “What? Stop.” They literally hate it when you 1.) take their field mice out of safekeeping (check pockets, car glove boxes, etc) and 2.) metaphorically flip them the bird by literally bopping their mice.

SIDE EFFECTS: After your third bop, the Good Fairy will come and turn you into a goon. This is good though, because once you’re a goon, if men are creepy to you, you can now be a goon back. This method is foolproof.

1. If it’s dark, a burglar will probably walk directly into the wind chimes. This will hurt their face and make a beautiful instrumental noise.

2. Unlike alarm systems, wind chimes don’t have expensive upgrade options. They are all equally quiet.

3. Wind chimes are deceptively welcoming. People will literally never know they’re for security.

4. You will also always know when it’s windy outside.