Seth Fried

When we asked what you would do with the 10,000 dollar prize money, you described a pyramid scheme that would prey on the elderly.

You kept barking at us while we ate, which, as you know, caused several of us to go on long coughing jags.

Despite your insistence, a potato gun was never one of the basket ingredients.

For the dessert round you wrote the words “toilet seat” on my plate in ketchup.

You left out several basket ingredients and also kept pronouncing it, “busket.” 

You kept bullying the other contestants to incorporate tattoo ink into their dishes.

It’s not uncommon for chefs to cut their fingers when they’re in the Chopped kitchen, but we don’t understand how you managed to keep cutting your arms, butt, and feet.

We felt your entree would have been more successful if you hadn’t wasted ten minutes using the ice cream machine to teach yourself how to kiss.

You referred to all spices as “cinnamon” and whenever you said the word “cinnamon” you sneezed. 

We were all very moved by your personal story about why it was so important for you to compete here today, but once we all had time to compare notes we realized you were just plagiarizing Ratatouille.

“Don’t think of it as me dying. Think of it as one of my infinite selves waking up from a wonderful dream.”

Seth Fried

(b. 1983, d. 2038)

Loving husband, 

fell into fireplace 

“Now that I’ve invented time travel, it’s time to pants Hitler good.”

Seth Fried

(b. 1983, d. 1940)

Loving husband, 

tripped on stolen pants while running from Nazis 

“Brb, going to defeat God with logic.”

Seth Fried 

(b. 1983, d. ∞)

Loving husband, 

choked on Invisalign 

“This is very important. Don’t write this down. I need a separate funeral for each of my secret families.”

Seth Fried

(b. 1983, d. 2042)

Loving husbands 

“Life belongs to the curious.”

Seth Fried

(b. 1983, d. 2051)

Loving husband, 

was allowed to see the cockpit on a commercial flight and started touching everything 

“You fools. I can’t be killed.”

Seth Fried

(b. 1983, d. 2022)

Loving husband, 

beaten to death by teenagers while attempting to cheat at laser tag

While many people have been indoctrinated from birth to believe that the Earth is a sphere, the simple fact of the matter is that it is shaped like a flute.

Please consider the evidence:

1) That is why it is always windy. 

2) Ever heard the expression “flute as an Earth”? That is because it is being deliberately suppressed. 

3) Stars are a concert audience. Thunder is them clapping. 

4) Flutes are reedless instruments. Otherwise we would have noticed the enormous reed. 

5) The pyramids were intended to be metronomes. 

Thank you for your time.