Robert Criss


Kool & The Gang

Kool & The Gang



Kool & The Gang (x2)


I am Kool

Here’s the gang



Kool & The Gang

This song is


Kool & The Gang

This album’s

Aptly titled

Kool & The Gang

Our names


Kool & The Gang




The Gang



Our name



Song’s name



Album’s name



Things are the same



Things remain unchanged

Mother: Do I like your new hat? I LOVE your new hat. You’ve really bounced back from the incident with the paper shredder and your genitals.

Father: Pal, I think you look just wonderful in your new hat. I’m really proud of you and the way you’ve composed yourself in the wake of the paper shredder thing. 

My friend, Tom: I like your hat so much I’m actually a little jealous I didn’t find it first. And I heard about the accident at your workplace. That’s terrible. My family is praying for you.

My co-worker, Lisa: Your new hat is killer! Also, the custodian said your office is clean enough to return to work now. 

Custodian: After many days of scrubbing and powerwashing, we were able to clean up the walls, floor, desk, and ceiling. The rugs did not make it. I haven’t seen your new hat. 

My doctor: Your new hat looks great, I could never pull it off. It is super cool. Just don’t go too crazy while you’re wearing it. You’ll rip your stitches.

Insurance adjuster who called me: Your coworker told us that you went to sit on the paper shredder but your pants ripped exposing your genitals right before you sat down. We’re following up with you to determine if that story is accurate. I’d love to talk about your new hat, as I’m sure it’s nice, but it’ll have to wait.

My father died in a car accident and it was all my fault for changing his radio presets. Manually tuning the radio while driving is very unsafe. I know, I know. I sound crazy. Everyone tells me it’s a natural reaction to tragedy. But if that weren’t enough, I also watered the roadway with a gardening hose to create black ice the day before.

Adolf Hitler

Charlie Chaplin 

Michael Jordan in a Hanes commercial from 2007

Bruno Ganz when he played Hitler in a film

Sir Anthony Hopkins when he played Hitler in a different film

Sir Ian McKellan when he played Hitler in a straight to DVD Hitler movie

Sir Alec Guinness when he played a Sir Alec Guinness-looking Hitler in his very own Hitler movie

David Bamber when he played a David Bamber-looking but also Hitler-passing Hitler in his also unique Hitler movie

Whomever Hitler kissed on the lips after drinking a glass of milk

Mr. Potato Head toys owned by deranged children 

Me for a second when I was shaving my beard square by square