Kristopher Wood

  1. The Sea Of Green is located in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
  2. The band usually begins to play right as you’re starting the New York Times crossword puzzle.
  3. Also, they’re a brass band. It’s 2021, and you’re living in a giant Thermos full of latchkey John Phillip Sousas. If you think that’s fun, you’re a psychopath.
  4. Remember your roommates that used to go around singing “We all live in apartment 3C! We all live in apartment 3C!” at the top of their lungs? No, of course you don’t. Because, it would be insane if people like that were allowed to consort with others. 
  5. When you live beneath the waves, it turns out, Wi-Fi is spotty, at best.
  6. Oh, did I mention that giant, yellow, Goldfish Cracker-shaped pods are something whales really enjoy ramming into — at full speed — just for the fun of it. No, you will not be finishing that crossword puzzle.
  7. Speaking of psychopaths, you should know that the Captain likes to yell “Full speed ahead!” whenever he feels like it. It’s the Sea of Green, not the Daytona 500, you maniac. Seriously, where do we need to be? Are we late for Aquaman’s Sunday brunch?
  8. The Octopus’s Garden is happy, safe, and has a gym. Yellow Submarine? Not so much.
  9. Your friends are all aboard, but they’re your Facebook friends who are always trying to get you to listen to Joe Rogan’s podcast
  10. No outdoor space.

A room without books is like a body without a soul. Or, you might be in the bathroom. Is there a toilet? Yeah, that’s the bathroom.  — Marcus Tullius Cicero

He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone. For I have invented a new contraption that I call the “Dunk Tank.”  — Jesus 

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Nope, keep going. That’s it. Just a little further. Oh, I forgot my wallet in the car. I’ll be right back… *car speeds off* — Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. And, just to be clear, I’m talking about prostitutes. — Babe Ruth 

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. You know what? It would be better if there was a cat hanging from the rope and it just said “Hang in there.” Make those changes. — Franklin Delano Roosevelt 


Today is your day.

But, please stay inside!

Keep the virus at bay!

You have brains in your head.

And a mask on your face.

You can go to the store,

but leave six feet of space.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know.

And when you’re on ZOOM there are things you don’t show.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.

Anti-maskers exist and the virus they share.

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

Um, hey, can someone tell Dave his camera is still on?

Hey, Dave! Oh, it looks like he took his headphones off.

Dave! Oh, god. Dave please don’t do that.

Do any of you know how to shut someone else’s camera off?

Ok, well let’s keep going and maybe he’ll realize he’s still on the call.

In the streets things can happen and frequently do

to people as brainy and…

Oh, this is not good. He definitely does not know he’s still on.

Maybe we can call Dave’s cell and tell him?

And…there it is.

Ok, we should just end this meeting.