Kit Lively

For a minimal additional fee, many GrubHub drivers will come into your house and feed you by hand.

If it means that she’ll possibly be able to see you for a few minutes, you mom will come over and mow your lawn.

When invited to a square dance, claim that a traumatic incident in your past has left you unable to dosey-doe.

Only dress up like Spock for Halloween if your ears are already a little pointy.


Famine: Death, I’ve been meaning to ask, how do you keep your horse’s mane so lustrous and silky?   It’s mind boggling!

Conquest:   We have a bet going…  it’s the blood of sinners, right?


Death:   Ha!   I wish.   It’s actually this herbal stuff with vitamin D and honeysuckle extract.   It’s expensive as hell, but I’ll send you the link if you want.


War:  Hey guys, is there any more of that guacamole left?

1) Stick mints into your ears. The mind-worms are self-conscious about their bad breath and will crawl out in order to retrieve the mints.
2) Have a series of anonymous sexual encounters and then tell your wife that it’s due to being under the influence of the mind-worms.
3) Try to recall as many episodes of Who’s th’ Boss as you possibly can. The mind-worms love that program, and the entertaining memories will distract them from burrowing further into your brain.
4) Enjoy a casual, friendly phone conversation or afternoon at the park with Anne Hathaway or Tom Cruise. Under the regime of the mind-worm, we are all now equals!
5) Vikct cloz, roarsh conf vikct cloz snopsf!  (You’ll understand that one later)

You’re frequently hassled by movie theater personnel, convinced you swiped a hot dog/fries/porridge Combo Deal. 

Who are they calling Goldilocks? You’re a brunette! 

That time you escaped from prison, the cops had the bloodhounds sniff a bowl of you-know-what. 

Your sister is determined to set you up with her friend who “totally stinks like maple syrup.” 

After you win Eurovision, your signature cologne is …gloppy. 

When you spill large amounts of porridge onto your shirt, NOBODY NOTICES.

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