Jeff Kulik

Dear Rusty,  

Loved the drawings!   I tried to post them on my social, but apparently, they violate some regulations.  I guess not everybody has the same taste in art.    

Dear Jody,  

I love you, too!  Just not in the specific ways described in your manifesto.  That diagram on page 60 seems like it might be particularly uncomfortable for both of us!  Good luck with that harness idea, though.  

Dear Roxy,  

So that was you who leapt out from between my garbage cans this summer!  Excellent detective work finding my home address.  Goes to show you that, as you repeatedly mention, “people are capable of horrifying things when pushed to the edge.”  Unfortunately, because I am allergic to white powder, I couldn’t eat the cookies you sent.  They look scrumptious, though!  

Dear Serpent of Unholy Blessings,  

Loved your poems.  Unfortunately, nothing materialized at the end of the seventh repeated verse, per your instructions.  Promise I’ll keep trying!  

Dear Crustblade,  

No, I don’t dwell outside of time, but when I’m waiting at the DMV, it sometimes sure feels like it!  The sketch of my skull you sent will go great with the Love Is cartoons on my fridge.  

Dear M. Thorax,  

Sorry, but many of your cut-and-paste magazine letters came unglued and scattered to the bottom of the envelope.  In answer to the one question I was able to decipher, no, I don’t think you sent enough rolls of painter’s tape to “completely mummify me.”  I will give it a try, though.   

I have been trying to figure out the name of this movie for years.  Maybe someone out there can help me.  Below is the cast (as best I remember it): 

F. Murray Abraham – Lil’ Lester/The M.U.N.G. 

Kadeem Hardison – Levitating Skateboarder 

Anthony Michael Hall – Bully with Inahler 

Orson Welles – The Narrator/General McNasty/Aunt Sally 

Madeline Kahn – New Wave Grandma 

Quentin Crisp – M.C. of The Battle of the Bands 

Milton Berle – Zeus

Robert Goulet – Dad 

Mickey Rourke – Young Reagan (flashbacks only) 

Michael J. Fox – Lt. Calley 

William “The Refrigerator” Perry – Flautist #1 

Rodney Dangerfield – Rappin’ Dentist 

Madonna – Meter Maid 

George Peppard – TV Preacher/Bend-O The Immortal Dinosaur 

G. Gordon Liddy – Voice of The Genie 

Charles Nelson Reilly – Santa 

JM J. Bullock – Leader of “The Jackals” 

Joe Elliott – Joe Elliott Impersonator at Def Leppard Convention 

Paul Lynde – Robot Chef 

Ron Reagan, Jr. – Personal Trainer to Jake “The Snake” Roberts 

George “The Animal” Steele – Jake “The Snake” Roberts 

Jake “The Snake” Roberts – Ron Reagan, Jr.  

Anton LeVay – Stamp Collector in Intersection 

Peter Cook – Colonial Administrator #1 

George Burns – Traffic Cop 

Tony Danza – Time Travelling Vincent Van Gogh 

James Coburn – Kindergarten Teacher (flashbacks only) 

Jackie Mason – Father O’Malley 

Ted Danson – Frankenstein’s Monster 

Don Adams – Hrothgull, Demonslayer General 

Tiny Tim – Mayor of New York City 

Moon Unit Zappa – Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff 

“Moms” Mabley – Voice of God 

Sam Kinison – Social Worker 

Morris Day – The President 


The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band – As Themselves