Free on Offer Up: I have an extra terrestrial, want to take it off my hands?
I only need the one.
— Ilana Gordon —
Ilana Gordon is a Los Angeles-based comedy writer. She has been featured in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Reductresss, The American Bystander, Weekly Humorist, Belladonna Comedy, and NPR's Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me! Her work can be found at www.ilanagordon.com.
- Cleanse
- Apply toner
- Surrender illusions of control over your life or the outside world.
- Redirect that mental energy towards your face.
- This is your enemy.
- Arm yourself with all 45 bottles of Genetics’
- Slather products onto skin and wait to feel different.
- Do you feel different?
- If not, try slathering more products.
- Exfoliate
- Hop into Genetics’
- Trick one of your parents into reproducing with someone with excellent skin.
- Realize that in so doing, you unlocked an alternate dimension that threatens to undermine human existence, and destroy life on Earth.
- Get that sorted out.
- Upgrade to Genetics’
- Experience existential angst.
- Experiment with jade rolling.
- Experiment with Rick Rolling.
- Yell at your skin to stop being so sensitive already!
- Travel back to 2005.
- Burn all tanning beds.
- Work to dismantle systems of oppression. You won’t believe how bomb your skin will look without capitalism!
- – 74. Sever ties with toxic people, including yourself.
75. Moisturize.