Ilana Gordon

  1. Cleanse
  2. Apply toner 
  3. Surrender illusions of control over your life or the outside world. 
  4. Redirect that mental energy towards your face. 
  5. This is your enemy. 
  6. Arm yourself with all 45 bottles of Genetics’ Starter Kit
  7. Slather products onto skin and wait to feel different.
  8. Do you feel different? 
  9. If not, try slathering more products.
  10. Exfoliate
  11. Hop into Genetics’ proprietary time machine
  12. Trick one of your parents into reproducing with someone with excellent skin.
  13. Realize that in so doing, you unlocked an alternate dimension that threatens to undermine human existence, and destroy life on Earth.
  14. Get that sorted out.
  15. Upgrade to Genetics’ Super Set.
  16. Experience existential angst. 
  17. Experiment with jade rolling. 
  18. Experiment with Rick Rolling.
  19. Yell at your skin to stop being so sensitive already!
  20. Travel back to 2005. 
  21. Burn all tanning beds.
  22. Work to dismantle systems of oppression. You won’t believe how bomb your skin will look without capitalism!
  23. – 74. Sever ties with toxic people, including yourself.

75. Moisturize.

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