Brian Gutierrez

Thou shalt not operate other Popemobiles, for there is only one.

Thou shalt not rename thy Popemobile to thy “Popewhip.”

Thou shalt not take the name of thy Popemobile Dealership in vain.

Thou shalt only fill thy Popemobile with Premium gas.

Thou shalt only use the following air fresheners in thy Popemobile: frankincense, myrrh and New Car Smell.

Thou shalt wear a seatbelt at all times, especially while waving in a particularly frenetic manner, or while off-roading.

Thou shalt not write ‘WASH ME’ (or ‘WASH AWAY MY SINS’) on any part of thy Popemobile.

Thou shalt not use the NOS installed in thy Popemobile, except if His Holiness is late to a service.

Thou shalt not give the public thy Holy finger while driving thy Popemobile.

Thou shalt not drink and drive thy Popemobile – unless His Holiness is drinking the Blood of Christ, or it’s a Sunday.

Scenario #1: We discuss last year’s party and “the incident.”
Plan: Reply “I’m a changed man, Gibbles.” (Practice line more).

Scenario #2: His jokes are funnier than my (dad) jokes.
Plan: Heckle Gibbles.

Scenario #3: He runs over my foot with his little bike. 
Plan: Don’t make a scene. Sue Gibbles later. 

Scenario #4: He plugs his side hustle as a Rodeo Clown.
Plan: See if you can get free tickets to the rodeo (sell and make profit).

Scenario #5: He brings his dummy, Giblets.
Plan: Drink through performance. Alternatively, kill Giblets while everyone is distracted.

Scenario #6: He makes his puppet show political.
Plan: Debate openly with your homemade sock puppets.

Scenario #7: He hits on my wife. 
Plan: Invite Mrs. Gibbles to the party. Hit on her in front of him and other guests.

Scenario #8: Gibbles’ magic tricks make me question God.
Plan: Consult with a spiritual counselor after the party. 

Scenario #9: Gibbles has another heart attack.
Plan: Use a real defibrillator (unlike last time). NOTE: keep clown music playing and pretend it’s part of the show! 

Scenario #10: He ruins the party.
Plan: Take out Gibbles-likened piñata and give every child and adult a stick. Make him watch.

Purpose: Learn more about my new apartment neighbor, Jeff.

Research: Random things I’ve heard Jeff say.
“Sometimes I feel cooped up in here.”
“I’m probably going to Cancun for Christmas this year.” 
“I love baths.”

Jeff is a bird disguised as a man.

Experiment #1 – Birdseed: Next time I bump into Jeff, offer him birdseed. Measure time taken to snatch.
Result: None. Forgot to bring birdseed. 

Experiment #2 – Patches: Introduce Patches, my cat, next time I see him. Measure time taken to run away.
Result: None. Forgot Patches at mom’s (again). 

Experiment #2a – Show him photos of Patches instead. Still measure time taken to run away.
Result: Forty-nine minutes. He seemed bored.

Experiment #3 – Bird Sacrifice: Bring pigeon into building and pretend to kill (use plastic butcher’s cleaver and ketchup) in front of Jeff. Measure reaction.
Result: Inconclusive. The pigeon shat on my hand and then attacked Jeff. Waving the plastic cleaver only aggravated the pigeon more. Ketchup (possibly blood) everywhere. A lot of flapping from Jeff — to fly?

Bird hypothesis inconclusive and now irrelevant. Jeff is moving to another floor.