Brian Gutierrez

Scenario #1: We discuss last year’s party and “the incident.”
Plan: Reply “I’m a changed man, Gibbles.” (Practice line more).

Scenario #2: His jokes are funnier than my (dad) jokes.
Plan: Heckle Gibbles.

Scenario #3: He runs over my foot with his little bike. 
Plan: Don’t make a scene. Sue Gibbles later. 

Scenario #4: He plugs his side hustle as a Rodeo Clown.
Plan: See if you can get free tickets to the rodeo (sell and make profit).

Scenario #5: He brings his dummy, Giblets.
Plan: Drink through performance. Alternatively, kill Giblets while everyone is distracted.

Scenario #6: He makes his puppet show political.
Plan: Debate openly with your homemade sock puppets.

Scenario #7: He hits on my wife. 
Plan: Invite Mrs. Gibbles to the party. Hit on her in front of him and other guests.

Scenario #8: Gibbles’ magic tricks make me question God.
Plan: Consult with a spiritual counselor after the party. 

Scenario #9: Gibbles has another heart attack.
Plan: Use a real defibrillator (unlike last time). NOTE: keep clown music playing and pretend it’s part of the show! 

Scenario #10: He ruins the party.
Plan: Take out Gibbles-likened piñata and give every child and adult a stick. Make him watch.

Purpose: Learn more about my new apartment neighbor, Jeff.

Research: Random things I’ve heard Jeff say.
“Sometimes I feel cooped up in here.”
“I’m probably going to Cancun for Christmas this year.” 
“I love baths.”

Jeff is a bird disguised as a man.

Experiment #1 – Birdseed: Next time I bump into Jeff, offer him birdseed. Measure time taken to snatch.
Result: None. Forgot to bring birdseed. 

Experiment #2 – Patches: Introduce Patches, my cat, next time I see him. Measure time taken to run away.
Result: None. Forgot Patches at mom’s (again). 

Experiment #2a – Show him photos of Patches instead. Still measure time taken to run away.
Result: Forty-nine minutes. He seemed bored.

Experiment #3 – Bird Sacrifice: Bring pigeon into building and pretend to kill (use plastic butcher’s cleaver and ketchup) in front of Jeff. Measure reaction.
Result: Inconclusive. The pigeon shat on my hand and then attacked Jeff. Waving the plastic cleaver only aggravated the pigeon more. Ketchup (possibly blood) everywhere. A lot of flapping from Jeff — to fly?

Bird hypothesis inconclusive and now irrelevant. Jeff is moving to another floor.