Brandon Hicks

After a long bidding war, exclusive publishing rights to the good book were recently scooped up by the Coca-Cola corporation. While this means that the text is no longer in the public domain, the company has kindly released the following excerpts of their latest translation.


JOHN 3:16
For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son, who must have beengettin’ some Coca-Cola, for whoever believeth in him shall not parch. 

PSALMS 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil—and no calories, for thou art with me. Thy aspartame and water comfort me. 

MATTHEW 6:24
No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate one and love the others; or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve both Coke and Pepsi in the same restaurant.

ROBERT sits in his upholstered chair reading a book. SANTA CLAUS enters the stage through a chimney, carrying a large green sack.


SANTA

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I’ve got a brand new, 160-foot, luxury yacht for a Mr. Robert LeBlanc!


ROBERT

I’m terribly sorry, but I’m Robert LeMont.


SANTA

Oh, Shoot. Then this is for you…


SANTA proceeds to kick him in the nuts and shove a banana cream pie into his face. [Curtains.]

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