Brandon Hicks

After a long bidding war, exclusive publishing rights to the good book were recently scooped up by the Coca-Cola corporation. While this means that the text is no longer in the public domain, the company has kindly released the following excerpts of their latest translation.

JOHN 3:16
For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son, who must have beengettin’ some Coca-Cola, for whoever believeth in him shall not parch. 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil—and no calories, for thou art with me. Thy aspartame and water comfort me. 

No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate one and love the others; or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve both Coke and Pepsi in the same restaurant.

ROBERT sits in his upholstered chair reading a book. SANTA CLAUS enters the stage through a chimney, carrying a large green sack.


Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I’ve got a brand new, 160-foot, luxury yacht for a Mr. Robert LeBlanc!


I’m terribly sorry, but I’m Robert LeMont.


Oh, Shoot. Then this is for you…

SANTA proceeds to kick him in the nuts and shove a banana cream pie into his face. [Curtains.]