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Bank Robbery Notes, By Your Favorite Writers March 31, 2023
(no title) March 30, 2023
English Class Reading List or Erotic Fiction Title? March 28, 2023
(no title) March 28, 2023
BREAKING: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ski Case Primer March 26, 2023
Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors March 23, 2023
Things I Definitely Misheard People Say (But I Was Too Nervous To Tell Them) March 23, 2023
(no title) March 22, 2023
Too Honest Cover Letter March 20, 2023
(no title) March 20, 2023
Live. Laugh. Love. The Rough Drafts March 17, 2023
We Are Writing to Reject Your Bad Ideas March 16, 2023
(no title) March 15, 2023
The Sound of Mucus March 14, 2023
(no title) March 13, 2023
(no title) March 10, 2023
If You Gave Me Money, I Wouldn’t Be Mad March 9, 2023
(no title) March 8, 2023
Magazines I Would Read March 6, 2023
(no title) March 6, 2023
(no title) March 3, 2023
Fountain of Youth March 2, 2023
(no title) March 1, 2023
Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. You Ruined My Life. February 28, 2023
(no title) February 27, 2023
Matt Gaetz’s Dating Profile February 24, 2023
(no title) February 23, 2023
Rough Drafts of Hemingway’s Six-Word Story February 22, 2023
(no title) February 21, 2023
Alternatives to “Netflix and Chill” for Those Cancelling Their Subscription February 20, 2023
Worst Responses in a Job Interview to “Tell Me About Yourself” February 17, 2023
I’m taking a social media break. Seriously. For real this time. Probably. February 16, 2023
(no title) February 15, 2023
A No-Stress Valentine’s Day, Spent Alone February 14, 2023
Football Players Replaced by ChatGPT for Post-Win Interviews, No One Notices February 13, 2023
(no title) February 10, 2023
Rejected Brand Mascots February 9, 2023
(no title) February 8, 2023
Worst Times To Play The Name Game February 7, 2023
(no title) February 6, 2023
(no title) February 3, 2023
Failed Attempts at Writing a Joke About Coelacanths February 2, 2023
(no title) February 1, 2023
A Complete List of Made-Up Best Picture Winners, 1929 to Present January 31, 2023
(no title) January 30, 2023
Urgent Parent Text Messages, Translated January 27, 2023
(no title) January 26, 2023
(no title) January 24, 2023
Television Mobsters End a Phone Conversation January 23, 2023
Let Me Drill a Hole in Your Head January 20, 2023
(no title) January 19, 2023
Obscure Chekhovian Dramatic Principle no. 147 January 18, 2023
(no title) January 17, 2023
(no title) January 16, 2023
Short Attention Span Theater: Macbeth January 13, 2023
(no title) January 12, 2023
No Bad Ideas January 11, 2023
Early Titles for J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye January 10, 2023
(no title) January 9, 2023
(no title) January 6, 2023
Chuck Jones’ The Old Man and The Sea January 5, 2023
(no title) January 4, 2023
Describing My Novel to an Agent January 3, 2023
(no title) January 2, 2023
Jon Bon Jovi, Live! Like You’ve Never Seen Him Before! December 30, 2022
(no title) December 29, 2022
The Layman’s Field Guide to Trees December 28, 2022
(no title) December 27, 2022
More Trump Trading Cards December 26, 2022
Quiz: Christmas Letter from The New York Sun to Virginia; or Prison Email from the NXIVM Cult Founder to Actress Nicki Clyne December 23, 2022
If The Beatles Were Influenced by KFC and Not LSD December 22, 2022
(no title) December 20, 2022
(no title) December 20, 2022
My Review of the Neuralink Brain Enhancement Device December 19, 2022
I Think This Holiday Coupon Code Generator Has Been Watching Too Much Fox News December 16, 2022
(no title) December 15, 2022
Five Poems About Johns With Weird Junk December 14, 2022
(no title) December 13, 2022
Finalists for Pantone’s 2023 Color of the Year December 12, 2022
There Are Way Too Many People Crowd-Surfing Right Now December 9, 2022
(no title) December 8, 2022
(no title) December 7, 2022
(no title) December 6, 2022
We Do Not Endorse Human Sacrifice December 5, 2022
Sequels to SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING for an aging Peter Parker December 2, 2022
(no title) December 1, 2022
The King of Atlantis Learns About Climate Change November 30, 2022
(no title) November 29, 2022
A Keynote Speaker Apologizes November 28, 2022
Hot Summer Day November 25, 2022
(no title) November 24, 2022
The Job Interview November 23, 2022
(no title) November 22, 2022
Hey it’s Siri, and we need to set clearer boundaries. November 21, 2022
(no title) November 18, 2022
(no title) November 17, 2022
Two Weeks’ Notice of My Quiet Quitting November 16, 2022
(no title) November 15, 2022
Worst Features of Twitter Alternatives November 14, 2022
FAQ: How to Police a Lawful Protest November 11, 2022
(no title) November 10, 2022
The Current Economic Climate, in Haiku November 9, 2022
Free Business Ideas November 8, 2022
Look for the hamburger helpers June 14, 2022
Alternatives to 4 a.m. doom scrolling. May 23, 2022
A nursery rhyme for my 4-year-old daughter. May 20, 2022
Headlines from an overtly skewed newspaper during a small town mayoral race. May 18, 2022
HELP! May 16, 2022
(no title) April 27, 2022
(no title) April 25, 2022
How to make friends. April 22, 2022
(no title) April 20, 2022
“You bred raptors?” April 18, 2022
Short attention span theater: Twelve Angry Men April 8, 2022
(no title) April 6, 2022
A toddler meets his father. April 4, 2022
The erotic novels of Ernest Hemingway. April 1, 2022
Short attention span theater: Waiting for Godot March 29, 2022
Melcome mo mubway! A Subway subsidiary where everything starts with “M”! March 28, 2022
(no title) March 23, 2022
(no title) March 16, 2022
Short attention span theater: A Streetcar Named Desire. March 14, 2022
The first harry potter wizard to enslave a house elf. March 9, 2022
(no title) March 7, 2022
4 celebrities wishing actor edward norton a rockin’ birthday. March 3, 2022
Ten senior moments. March 2, 2022
(no title) February 28, 2022
FAQ’s about life. February 15, 2022
I am sorry to tell you this Ethan, but I directed MacBeth without you by Joel Coen. February 11, 2022
(no title) February 9, 2022
On The Spot News: Bringing you closer to the news! February 7, 2022
(no title) February 2, 2022
Famous quotations, abridged. January 31, 2022
(no title) January 21, 2022
Rejected Bond girl names. January 19, 2022
The only sure-fire way to get someone’s attention. January 17, 2022
Mr. Penguin’s casual Friday. January 14, 2022
30 questions to fall in love. January 12, 2022
Creature comforts. January 10, 2022
(no title) December 29, 2021
(no title) December 27, 2021
27 reasons to vote for sonny price. December 20, 2021
The restaurant check. December 17, 2021
The Lyrics To Kool & The Gang By The Band Kool & The Gang Off Their Debut Album “Kool & The Gang” (Part 1) December 15, 2021
(no title) December 13, 2021
(no title) December 10, 2021
(no title) December 7, 2021
(no title) December 3, 2021
From the desk of the Godfather. December 1, 2021
Disagree to disagree. November 29, 2021
Literature recommendation. November 26, 2021
The case of the mysterious envelopes. November 22, 2021
(no title) November 19, 2021
The time I loved being on hold. November 17, 2021
Why I stopped washing my hands. November 15, 2021
Miniature adults. November 12, 2021
The old days. November 10, 2021
Library books to hide from your children. November 8, 2021
Adele: Discography. November 5, 2021
Real accents and how to do them. November 1, 2021
(no title) October 29, 2021
This man, this monster. October 27, 2021
Results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat. October 25, 2021
Rejected Bond film titles. October 22, 2021
I stand on a mountain… October 20, 2021
(no title) October 15, 2021
Retirement. October 13, 2021
Winnie the Pooh characters and how many afghan refugees they’ve taken in. October 11, 2021
(no title) October 8, 2021
The cast of Yankee Doodle Dandy – where are they now? October 6, 2021
From the classified section. October 4, 2021
(no title) October 1, 2021
Negatives into positives. September 30, 2021
(no title) September 29, 2021
I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me. September 28, 2021
(no title) September 27, 2021
Autofiction. September 24, 2021
A hot dog vendor in a parallel universe where sausages haven’t been invented yet. September 23, 2021
(no title) September 22, 2021
How to be a cool girl. September 21, 2021
(no title) September 20, 2021
Diamond things. September 17, 2021
Seven reasons why no sorority wanted you, Megan. September 16, 2021
(no title) September 15, 2021
A dog with a blog. September 14, 2021
How presidents voted in their own election. September 13, 2021
(no title) September 10, 2021
The truth is out there. September 9, 2021
The AKC recognizes seven new breeds. September 8, 2021
Mime story. September 7, 2021
(no title) September 6, 2021
Slogans for duck milk. September 3, 2021
(no title) September 2, 2021
Why I’m leaving my boyfriend for Scrappy-Doo. September 2, 2021
An excerpt from “REMOTE MAN,” the new superhero who helps kids with the hard levels. September 1, 2021
I’m going to build a time machine. August 31, 2021
The top 7 things Mickey Mouse should do next, ranked by readers like you. August 30, 2021
A big question. August 26, 2021
(no title) August 25, 2021
Sandwiched in time. August 24, 2021
(no title) August 23, 2021
Pet worm troubles. August 20, 2021
Rejected HGTV shows. August 19, 2021
(no title) August 8, 2021
Variations on “the floor is lava” game. August 8, 2021
Groundbreaking knock-knock joke. July 25, 2021
Meditation mantra. July 23, 2021
(no title) July 21, 2021
Things my father said to me after I lost the big game that I will never forget. July 20, 2021
Bilbo Baggins says goodbye to the dwarves, as he heads back to The Shire. July 18, 2021
(no title) July 16, 2021
251 interview, alone. July 12, 2021
Gats to the future. July 10, 2021
Finally getting around to answering fan mail. July 10, 2021
A snowball in Hell. July 7, 2021
(no title) July 7, 2021
Leprechaun. July 2, 2021
About the Murderer: June 30, 2021
The Bible: the first draft. June 30, 2021
(no title) June 26, 2021
Someone always has it worse. June 26, 2021
Time Travel June 24, 2021
Kathy, add some water to the soup; we’ve got company. June 20, 2021
(no title) June 20, 2021
(no title) June 19, 2021
The little things. June 18, 2021
The Midwest memorial for safe driving. June 18, 2021
(no title) June 16, 2021
True facts about fake wrestling. June 11, 2021
If your workplace emails were sent by third graders. June 10, 2021
(no title) June 9, 2021
(no title) June 7, 2021
Seven things they won’t tell you about getting stuck in a time loop. June 6, 2021
For these reasons, you’ve been Chopped. June 4, 2021
An open letter. June 2, 2021
Other banned carry-on items. May 31, 2021
Famous stories if they were written by your grandfather. May 27, 2021
Real estate obituary. May 26, 2021
The gift horse’s lament. May 24, 2021
Dollar store superheroes. May 22, 2021
(no title) May 21, 2021
Track list for my new country album. May 20, 2021
(no title) May 18, 2021
Bigfoot. May 17, 2021
The Ten Commandments for owning and operating thy Popemobile. May 16, 2021
(no title) May 15, 2021
Who said it? An animal, or Kevin, my friend who is really good at doing animal impressions? May 15, 2021
(no title) May 14, 2021
The emergency joke security system. May 13, 2021
Wine names, brought to you by Josh Cellars. May 13, 2021
(no title) May 13, 2021
Get-rich-slow schemes. May 12, 2021
(no title) May 12, 2021
(no title) May 10, 2021
At the zoo. May 10, 2021
(no title) May 9, 2021
(no title) May 8, 2021
Quiz: Should you log onto this meeting or should you throw your laptop through a window, move to Canada, and get a job as snow? May 8, 2021
(no title) May 7, 2021
Blaming yourself. May 7, 2021
The anniversary gift. May 6, 2021
(no title) May 6, 2021
Creationism: a lost transcript. May 6, 2021
Not-so-popular circus acts. May 5, 2021
History’s most infamous managers. May 3, 2021
Atlantis. May 2, 2021
Affirmative haikus of a marathon non-runner. April 29, 2021
(no title) April 27, 2021
Loaf hacks: life hacks for the extremely lazy. April 26, 2021
My movie poem. April 26, 2021
Rules for fooling me. April 25, 2021
(no title) April 23, 2021
All the ways I misspell “thesaurus” when I type it into Google. April 22, 2021
(no title) April 21, 2021
Secret recordings taken at my office’s water cooler. April 20, 2021
(no title) April 20, 2021
If your Talkspace text therapist were a fuckboi. April 19, 2021
Match these Shakespeare classics with their modern retellings. April 18, 2021
(no title) April 17, 2021
Five bad ideas for movie reboots. April 16, 2021
(no title) April 15, 2021
River Styx. April 14, 2021
Circled in. April 12, 2021
(no title) April 11, 2021
In case of emergency. April 11, 2021
(no title) April 10, 2021
Seven super fun (and oddly omniscient) name generator games! April 10, 2021
(no title) April 9, 2021
(no title) April 7, 2021
(no title) April 6, 2021
The top five worst colleges in America. April 5, 2021
(no title) April 3, 2021
(no title) April 2, 2021
The Hobbit: The student loan debt-solation of Smaug April 1, 2021
(no title) March 29, 2021
Get off your high horse. March 28, 2021
(no title) March 27, 2021
(no title) March 26, 2021
Signs my toddler may have been indoctrinated by right-wing extremists. March 25, 2021
(no title) March 24, 2021
(no title) March 22, 2021
How to deal with misfortune. March 21, 2021
(no title) March 20, 2021
A common adage, revised. March 19, 2021
(no title) March 18, 2021
Lost toward sea. March 16, 2021
Government websites that would actually be helpful. March 15, 2021
(no title) March 15, 2021
What to do if they don’t follow you back. March 14, 2021
(no title) March 13, 2021
Things I pass on my walk when I forget my glasses. March 12, 2021
(no title) March 11, 2021
How I’ll deal with Gibbles the Clown at my son’s birthday party. March 10, 2021
(no title) March 9, 2021
A critique of Marilyn Monroe’s birthday performance. March 9, 2021
(no title) March 8, 2021
(no title) March 7, 2021
(no title) March 5, 2021
Parting words. March 4, 2021
(no title) March 3, 2021
(no title) March 3, 2021
(no title) March 2, 2021
A social experiment. March 2, 2021
The hard truth. March 1, 2021
(no title) March 1, 2021
The group chat name. February 28, 2021
Musicals from my youth, updated for my 30s. February 28, 2021
A list of every notable person who wore a Hitler mustache. February 27, 2021
Flapper haikus. February 26, 2021
(no title) February 25, 2021
Thoughts at twilight. February 25, 2021
Nature’s most irritating animals. February 25, 2021
(no title) February 24, 2021
The four horsemen take five. February 23, 2021
(no title) February 22, 2021
Pixar’s ‘Cars’ if it was actually written by cars. February 21, 2021
The best characters in ‘1984,’ according to a Republican congressman. February 21, 2021
(no title) February 21, 2021
Ted Cruz’s Shakespeare companion for fathers and daughters. February 20, 2021
(no title) February 19, 2021
Costco or my Jewish grandmother? February 19, 2021
(no title) February 18, 2021
(no title) February 17, 2021
Ten reasons why you shouldn’t live in a yellow submarine. February 17, 2021
(no title) February 16, 2021
Stop creepy men in their tracks by taking their field mice and bopping them on the head. February 16, 2021
(no title) February 15, 2021
(no title) February 15, 2021
A scene at Guitar Center. February 15, 2021
Where do I see myself in five years? February 14, 2021
(no title) February 13, 2021
(no title) February 12, 2021
An excerpt from Frodo’s travel journal. February 11, 2021
(no title) February 11, 2021
How to trick your friends into playing D&D. February 10, 2021
Intimations of global warming – The Lake Country. February 10, 2021
Four reasons to swap your alarm system for wind chimes on your porch. February 10, 2021
Mark Twain’s writing advice, updated. February 9, 2021
(no title) February 9, 2021
Inspirational T-shirt slogans for the uninspired. February 9, 2021
(no title) February 8, 2021
Hey, remember this movie? February 8, 2021
What a scam. February 7, 2021
(no title) February 7, 2021
Famous quotes in history (if you had let the person finish what they were saying.) February 7, 2021
Donald J. Trump’s history of heroin use. February 6, 2021
(no title) February 6, 2021
Pitches to replace Google’s outdated “I’m Feeling Lucky” button February 6, 2021
(no title) February 5, 2021
Integrity. February 5, 2021
Titles the showrunners considered before choosing ‘Sex and the City.’ February 5, 2021
The scariest roller coaster. February 4, 2021
A mathematical magic trick. February 2, 2021
(no title) February 1, 2021
Quiz: Repunctuated New York forest or Bond villain command? January 31, 2021
(no title) January 30, 2021
How to beat a hangover. January 29, 2021
(no title) January 28, 2021
Birds do it. Bees do it. January 27, 2021
(no title) January 26, 2021
Arby’s: we don’t have The Meats because someone took them. January 25, 2021
(no title) January 24, 2021
The Pope’s greatest open mic one-liners. January 23, 2021
(no title) January 22, 2021
Six clues Chuck Todd is hiding in your utility closet. January 21, 2021
(no title) January 21, 2021
The Coca-Cola Bible. January 20, 2021
(no title) January 19, 2021
Heist meeting. January 18, 2021
(no title) January 17, 2021
Comedy is tragedy plus time, and other equations. January 16, 2021
(no title) January 15, 2021
Things I’ve learned from horror movies. January 14, 2021
Manic pixie dream boy fantasies I’ve had about the customer service rep at Discover Card member services. January 13, 2021
A few options for my tombstone. January 12, 2021
(no title) January 11, 2021
Romeo and Juliet try to get to know one another in the afterlife. January 11, 2021
Jobs that would make terrible premises for the plot of porn. January 10, 2021
The unexpected poetry of Nextdoor Digest. January 10, 2021
(no title) January 9, 2021
Things that, unlike chocolate milk, actually come from brown cows. January 9, 2021
Willennium diary, 12/28/2020. January 8, 2021
Killers who were never caught. January 8, 2021
A fancy luxury car ad for a fancy luxury guy. January 7, 2021
Medical symptom or Transformer Autobot: a list. January 7, 2021
A poem for Mitch McConnell. January 6, 2021
Some blue humor. January 6, 2021
(no title) January 5, 2021
The police. January 5, 2021
Oh, The Places You’ll Go! 2020 graduate edition. January 4, 2021
You know you’re from Tulsa when. January 4, 2021
(no title) January 3, 2021
ER admissions form. January 3, 2021
(no title) January 2, 2021
The ear piercing place. January 2, 2021
(no title) January 1, 2021
iMessage. January 1, 2021
(no title) December 31, 2020
What ‘LL Cool J’ stands for. December 31, 2020
(no title) December 30, 2020
Bohemian Rhapsody, draft #3. December 30, 2020
(no title) December 29, 2020
People you may know. December 29, 2020
(no title) December 28, 2020
Bruce Wayne orders DoorDash. December 28, 2020
(no title) December 27, 2020
How the Grump stole democracy. December 27, 2020
(no title) December 27, 2020
Flute earth. December 26, 2020
The wrong house: a holiday play in one act. December 26, 2020
(no title) December 25, 2020
Helpful suggestions to make the Illuminati a bit more “Illumi-Naughty.” December 24, 2020
(no title) December 24, 2020
The first rule of comedy. December 23, 2020
Any day. December 23, 2020
(no title) December 22, 2020
Sharp objects, draft #1. December 21, 2020
(no title) December 21, 2020
Genetics™, the hot, new, 75-step skin care regimen. December 20, 2020
Mid-life poem. December 19, 2020
(no title) December 18, 2020
Suggestions on what to do when the mind worms invade. December 17, 2020
Whale watching log, 10/9/2020. December 16, 2020
(no title) December 15, 2020
A poem about phones. December 14, 2020
Meditation tips. December 2, 2020
Note to novelists. October 3, 2020
(no title) September 9, 2020
A bouquet of haiku. May 13, 2020
Braille books on tape. May 13, 2020
This is just to respond. May 13, 2020
(no title) May 13, 2020
Things I say to wow my party guests. May 13, 2020
Dear editors. May 13, 2020
(no title) May 13, 2020
America with gun control: a play in one act. May 13, 2020
Side effects may include… May 12, 2020
Things other than Kryptonite that make Superman feel all too human. May 12, 2020
Signs that you may indeed smell like porridge. May 12, 2020
Our admissions fees. May 12, 2020
(no title) May 12, 2020
Other anecdotes that begin with ‘two little mice fell into a bucket of cream.’ January 14, 2020

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