Caring For Your Pet Woolly Mammoth

Congratulations on purchasing a pet woolly mammoth! We cloned it from what we imagine was a friendly, lovable creature that died over 10,000 years ago.

Caring for a woolly mammoth is really no different than caring for the average elephant. The key difference is its coat, which will sheds excessively and must be brushed and shampooed twice daily. Otherwise the coat develops a condition we’ve named “Mammoth Stink.”

“Mammoth Stink” occurs when the creature is too wet, too dry, or too bored. Mammoths may have used their scent glands to ward off predators and attract mates, or more likely just ward off everybody because, yikes, trust us on this one, get the shampoo.

We also recommend daily (or possibly twice daily) applications of “Tusk Cream,” to prevent a condition we’ve named “The Tusk Screams,” a vocalization which the mammoths commonly perform just before dawn and finish just after dawn (the next day).

And finally, you’ll need the “Woolly Mammoth Neti Pot and Nose Comb,” because you never, never, NEVER want to be around a woolly mammoth with a stuffed trunk.

Good luck with your clone! No refunds. 

~Anthony Scibelli

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