Rustic Sourdough. Seven Grain. Raisin Pumpernickel. You’ve got to be kidding me! There are more types of bread than there are Fast and Furious movies!
Remember when you used to buy bread at the grocery store? Plastic bags and twist ties. Spongy bread with a paper thin crust. Only two options: white or wheat. I kept things simple!
Bread is getting too sophisticated. I mean, some of this bread nowadays looks like it has a bachelor’s degree. I swear to God I saw a loaf of sesame semolina reading The New Yorker the other day.
People say to me, “You’re not organic. What even is calcium propionate?” Well, I’m not sure either, but it can’t be that bad can it? I mean, calcium is good, we at least know that.
Look– I helped raise this country. People have been slapping cold cuts and peanut butter on me since ‘Nam. But you’re just going to turn your back on me over some rye bread you picked up at a Farmer’s Market?
Fuck it. I don’t care. I survived the Great Depression, I can outlast some artisanal grains. I’m Wonder Bread, motherfucker.
Oh—and best believe I’ll remember this when you have kids and come to me to help fill their lunch box!