1. In August, a ferocious month-long storm buries every square mile of America under two feet of ash and glitter and glowing purple crystals. Every American falls into a deep dreamless sleep.
2. Three months later— America awakes. Transfixed by the glowing purple crystals, the citizenry seems energized, altered and radiant.
3. Clutching a glowing purple crystal, Donald Trump drops out of the race, pleads guilty to all criminal charges and reports meekly to federal prison.
4. Ron DeSantis, wearing a glowing purple crystal amulet on his forehead, also drops out and asks to be called Ron De Purple Pixie.
5. On the campaign trail, crowds are mesmerized by Mike Pence’s speeches–that and his glowing purple crystal Gandalf hat.
6. Urban Democrats flock to Pence seeing in him the same bright promise of Barack Obama, only more glowing, more crystalline and more purple.
7. Pence cruises to the Republican nomination. At the convention, glowing purple crystal balloons drop from the ceiling while Pence tosses Gandalf hats into the ecstatic crowd.
8. Three debates with President Biden are buoyant and full of laughter, highlighted by a spirited round of Glowing Purple Crystal Jeopardy.
9. Pence wins the election with 94% of the vote. There is no September surprise, only nationwide glowing purple crystal gratitude.
10. After a seamless transfer of power, Michael Richard Pence is sworn in as the 47th President of the United States on a glowing purple crystal Bible.