Dating Advice from Man Who Started Juggling Chainsaws But Doesn’t Know How to Stop

Q: Sometimes I don’t feel heard. How can I express this to my husband?

A: Be calm but stern, explaining that this is not part of your act. You don’t know how to stop hurling and catching chainsaws without grave injury. The key is to be honest, but do it without hurting any party guests.

Q: My girlfriend always hides her phone screen when I enter the room. Is she cheating?

A: First, RELAX! Panicking will only create traumatic memories for the birthday boy and his nice parents that paid you in advance. Everyone has different comfort levels with their phones. For instance, I’m perfectly ok with someone grabbing my phone and texting an urgent SOS to my mentor Piccolo the Balloon Clown.

Q: What’s the best way to approach the “what are we” conversation?

A: Just because you’ve mastered Burke’s Barrage with bowling pins doesn’t mean you’re ready for asymmetrical juggling with running chainsaws. Wanting to label things ultimately comes down to ego. Don’t let pride fool you into a situation where you’re likely to chop both arms clean off.

Q: My girlfriend wants to keep it casual but I want to take the next step. What should we do?

A: Eventually we all learn that three Zoom lessons is not enough to attempt a highly dangerous activity that often takes years to master. That’s when you just have to scream “LOOK OUT! I’M DROPPING THE CHAINSAWS. MY ARMS ARE FALLING ASLEEP AND I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.”

~Patrick Coyne

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