Totally Useless Reviews For the Coffee Pot You’re About To Purchase

FIVE STARS
Love it! Absolutely perfect! Brews coffee that is just right! Delicious, bold flavor. Just a little bit too hot.

FIVE STARS
Best purchase I ever made! Could not imagine a better coffee pot if I tried! Has everything I need for the perfect cup of coffee!

ONE STAR
Worst purchase I ever made. Coffee spills everywhere, is freezing cold, tastes terrible, and causes my dog to bark uncontrollably. Avoid at all costs.

FIVE STARS
One sip and I reached a state of consciousness previously undocumented in philosophical or religious writings. I fear not the unknown and accept the totality of the cosmos as undifferentiated from my own being. Couldn’t get the clock to function properly, so the “Brew Later” option doesn’t work.

FOUR STARS
Not a bad coffee pot, but it spills everywhere, even before I poured any water into it. Took over an hour to brew a single cup of coffee, which was actually impressive because I never loaded it with grounds or turned it on.  

ONE STAR
I’m trapped inside the coffee pot. Someone send help.

ONE STAR
Item arrived completely shattered inside of box. Spent hours putting it back together only to discover that company had sent us a Blu Ray set of Taz-Mania. Coffee not bad, a little bitter.

TWO STARS
Best coffee pot I’ve ever had but also the worst. Coffee is too hot and also too cold. Takes hours to brew in minutes. Highly recommend but also don’t buy.

~Anthony Scibelli

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