Peculiar Strategies from a Sample of Yoga Teachers

  • Encouraging us to make loud animal noises during poses, the teacher demonstrated several, sweat pouring down his face.
  • Guiding the class into a precarious balancing pose, the teacher invited us to imagine a single potato chip between our butt cheeks as a way to hold steady.
  • Leaving us in corpse pose for an hour, the teacher repeatedly knelt down to rub our temples with hands that reeked of garlic.
  • Regularly referring to her divorce and miscarriages throughout her instruction, the teacher would then finish class by singing to us at the top of her lungs.
  • Hopping down into a squat, the teacher promptly emitted a resounding fart for all to hear. 
  • Blasting Cardi B’s “WAP”, the teacher sang along to every word up through the final metaphor of macaroni in a pot.
  • Pressing PLAY on a handheld boombox, the teacher suddenly filled the silent room with a deafening static.
  • Suggesting that we practice a certain pose at home in front of a mirror, the teacher shared that she does so naked, save for a pair of high heels.
  • Sporting a baseball cap, the teacher marched through rows of mats, barking orders such as “Suck it up, buttercup.”

~Patty Bamford

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on email