All the Rules for My Upcoming Cable TV Cooking Competition Show

  1. No chef may begin to gather ingredients until the Wheel of Vegetables has made its final rotation. 
  2. Any chef using a knife, fork, or utensil of any kind will receive one Penalty Chip. 
  3. A Penalty Chip may be traded in for a Time Token, provided the chef can recite the entirety of “If” by Rudyard Kipling while balancing on the Pendulum of Despair. 
  4. Any chef using their time token without first choosing an item from the Box of Sabotage will face the Circle of Judgment. 
  5. Items from the Box of Sabotage may only be used after a blessing from the Triumvirate of Tasters, but only if a true alliance has been formed among any combination of three chefs (except those who have been sentenced to the Holding Pen of Shame). 
  6. Alliances must be tested by using at least one item from the Box of Sabotage. 
  7. Any chef using an item from the Box of Sabotage must record a short video in the Confession Corner, but only after successfully performing two feats of cookware sterilization to the satisfaction of the Circle of Judgment. 
  8. All ingredients must first be walked across the Bridge of Death before being used, and half of any ingredients must be left as an offering to the Gods of Sweeps Week. 
  9. One jar of gochujang must be placed at every station, and must be consistently referenced, but never used. 
  10. No cooking of any kind is allowed at any time. 

~Jeff Kulik

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