Dear Human Resources,
I’m a self-starter (no idea what that means) with extensive (zero) experience for this exciting (yawn) job opening.
My old boss (lover) would say I was one of the most respected (manipulative) employees in the company (pyramid scheme).
I seek a rewarding (cushy) position that can offer me opportunities to showcase my many talents (chewing loudly) and office superpowers (toxic gossiping).
I’m great at multitasking (always on my phone), and I’m eager to learn (lol) and work as part of a team (absolutely no eye contact or I’ll lose it).
My complete work history is attached (I did not attach it) and I trust (I don’t trust anyone) that you will find it impressive enough to contact me (not by phone, that’s just aggressive) for an interview.
Jessie Branson (an alias)