We regret to inform you that we are passing on your submission, “Let’s Talk About Pants.” We appreciate your interest in our publication, but in light of your repeated messages, we feel it necessary to make a few things clear:
- Please stop sending us photos. We will not “rate your pants.”
- Our publication mostly features narrative fiction. We do not typically publish pants-themed one-act plays, lists of the author’s grievances with the “pants establishment,” or Snoopy fan fiction.
- We hope you understand that Snoopy is not real, we do not know him, and we cannot pass any screenplay ideas on to him. And, no, we do not know why he doesn’t wear pants.
- It may indeed have been an “accident” when you sent us your screenplay for “Teen Vampire Snoopy vs. Pants,” but we have no interest in such work. And stop asking us if it’s just in “development hell.”
- For the last time, actor Rene Auberjonois is dead. Even if he were alive, we would not send him your “Pants Suggestions for Spring 2023”, nor would we ask him to dress as “Snoopy–but with pants” for your proposed photo spread. Your speculative diagrams do nothing to change our minds.
- Finally, your submissions all smell like Funyuns and are fouling up our offices.
Thank you for your constant and creepy interest.