Questions for the person who told me to “eat a bag of dicks”

How do you obtain a bag of dicks? And where do they come from? Are they a collection of severed dicks? Are they from different species, or a homogenous set?

How big is the bag? Do they come in different sizes? 

Does a bag come with any sides or dipping sauces? Do they come in reduced fat? Are they free range, non-GMO dicks? Can you provide evidence that these dicks were not subject to cruelty or unsafe living conditions?

How much does a bag cost? Do you take American Express? Do you guarantee satisfaction? If I’m not satisfied can I get a refund and a bag of something else? What do you recommend? A bag of rocks? Bag of bones? Is the bag reusable? Recyclable? If I bring my own bag do I get a discount?

Do you have a loyalty program? When I reach gold status are the dicks made of gold? Or the bag? Or both? How many bags do I have to buy before I reach gold? Really? Do you think I can eat that many dicks? If I bought them as gifts for my friends, do you think they would appreciate them? 

Would you say this has been an unnecessary interaction?

~Shelley Stein-Wotten

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