The Layman’s Field Guide to Trees

Eastern White Pine

It is quite possible to make a bed out of pine needles. It will be much harder to convince someone to lay on it while you rail them.


It has been literal decades since the last time anyone felt horny around a Hazel.

American Beech

The bark of the American Beech is easy to carve your name into. For example: Layman Was Here, Laidwoman Was Disappointed.

Kentucky Coffeetree

You should not grind up the beans of the Kentucky Coffeetree because they are slightly poisonous. But nothing is stopping you from grinding up against the beans of the Kentucky Coffeedrinker.

Pignut Hickory

The nut of the Pignut Hickory somewhat resembles the average butthole. In case your lover didn’t want to go that far.


The sharp, prickly fruit of the Sweetgum is to be generally avoided. Or very specifically sat upon.

Black Locust

Black Locust is one of the hardest woods around. A man can relate this factoid with an added, “Until now.” But he must be careful how hard he thwacks his member against its trunk or else he might cause a branch to fall on his head. Then he will be stiff for all the wrong reasons.


Please for the love of God do not do any sexy stuff around your Pawpaw!

~Lee Blevins

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