There Are Way Too Many People Crowd-Surfing Right Now

Woah woah woah stop the music. I think everyone should have the opportunity to crowd-surf, but if everyone crowd-surfs at the exact same moment there is no crowd to surf on. You can’t surf without water.

And if there’s too many people in the crowd and none surfing then what are we even doing? Standing around? I take it we’re waiting for someone like me to take charge.

We’ll do it strategically. We need a ratio of roughly four people in the crowd to every one surfer. This requires five shifts giving each group an opportunity to crowd-surf and then fill the crowd for the four other rotations. We’ll use colored shirts to divide everyone and a massive penta-colored stoplight to direct the crowd—red, yellow, green, blue, and I don’t know, maybe white if that even exists. I guess the white one would just be a normal lightbulb.

And for those not interested in surfing, your choice is to either get crushed by my full body weight or provide an extra hand supporting my crotch as I float majestically on by.

~Robert Criss

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