We Do Not Endorse Human Sacrifice

We are aware of the troubling allegations that our altars have been used for “untold numbers” of human sacrifice over millennia. We vigorously deny these false and disturbing claims. Let us put this to bed: Megalith Altars does not endorse human sacrifice of any kind, period.

Let’s get the facts straight: the vast majority of modern sacrificial offerings are totally benign. Occasionally lambs, a few goats here and there, but barely any humans. Did you know that worshippers are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than sacrificed while using our altars (and 140 times more likely when praying to Oxchit’l, God of Lightning)? But you’d never know it from the sensationalized stories in the mainstream media.

We designed our altars with six feet of smooth limestone to make room for all the meat, seeds, and cheeses needed for a sturdy charcuterie shmear. And the ornate glyphs carved into the side depicting a human sacrifice are purely ornamental, not instructive. In fact, any human sacrifice instantly voids our 30-day warranty. No exceptions.

Ultimately, we’re just the company that sells the megaliths. What our customers do with their slab behind temple doors is between them, their demonic idols, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Yes, our products are the size and shape of a human, are certified durable to withstand thousands of sharp downward strokes, and even come with a “starter skull.” But let us say it loudly and clearly: Megalith Altars are categorically not for human sacrifice.

~Nate Odenkirk & Aaron Winslow

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