I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me.

When we watch a movie, instead of cuddling with me, she cuddles with a big Ed Hardy t-shirt she stuffed with leaves. 

Whenever we make out, she says it’d be cool if we didn’t use our hands or mouths or skin. We just sit next to each other sort of wiggling. 

I asked her over the phone if she wanted to go roller skating. She was like, “Of course.” But then she hung up. Later I saw pictures on social media of her roller skating alone.

On my birthday, she gave me a bicycle, which was nice. Except she kept referring to it as a “one person” bicycle. 

She has started introducing me to her friends as one of her mom’s coworkers. 

At the carnival we got stuck at the top of the ferris wheel. I thought it was romantic, but as soon as the ride stopped, she started constructing a hang glider out of her jacket. The messed up thing is it worked. She coasted down to the ground and I didn’t see her again until later. When I found her, she was eating two caramel apples and didn’t offer me a bite of either.

When I asked her if she wanted to go to couple’s therapy, she seemed to grow pensive before telling me that while she and the Ed Hardy t-shirt had ups and downs, she was confident they could work it out on their own. 

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