For these reasons, you’ve been Chopped.

When we asked what you would do with the 10,000 dollar prize money, you described a pyramid scheme that would prey on the elderly.

You kept barking at us while we ate, which, as you know, caused several of us to go on long coughing jags.

Despite your insistence, a potato gun was never one of the basket ingredients.

For the dessert round you wrote the words “toilet seat” on my plate in ketchup.

You left out several basket ingredients and also kept pronouncing it, “busket.” 

You kept bullying the other contestants to incorporate tattoo ink into their dishes.

It’s not uncommon for chefs to cut their fingers when they’re in the Chopped kitchen, but we don’t understand how you managed to keep cutting your arms, butt, and feet.

We felt your entree would have been more successful if you hadn’t wasted ten minutes using the ice cream machine to teach yourself how to kiss.

You referred to all spices as “cinnamon” and whenever you said the word “cinnamon” you sneezed. 

We were all very moved by your personal story about why it was so important for you to compete here today, but once we all had time to compare notes we realized you were just plagiarizing Ratatouille.

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