The emergency joke security system.


1. Put the backpack on and hide the button in your pocket.

2. Try to tell a moderate-sized joke in front of some people.

3. If you provoke joy, do nothing. Go home. Read. Take care of yourself.

4. If you provoke fear, bewilderment or stunned pity, push the button.

5. Explosive bolts will be released causing two halves of light-weight, spherical Kevlar to entirely encase you in less than a second.

6. The on-board rocket booster will now fire, shooting you ten thousand feet into the Troposphere.*

7. Relax. You’re going to be here for a few weeks. Enjoy the supplied cheese and wine. Listen to the voice that continually whispers: ‘You are fine. Everything is OK. You’re actually quite funny. It’s just that the last one didn’t work. You win some, you lose some. Enjoy the cheese.’

8. You will gently descend to a remote location at least a thousand miles from where you (yes, you) told the ‘joke’.

9. Your new passport and identity papers will be delivered by drone within the hour.

10. Keep trying! Just make sure you tell a better one next time. Otherwise this can get expensive.

*Works best outside.

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