Purpose: Learn more about my new apartment neighbor, Jeff.
Research: Random things I’ve heard Jeff say.
“Sometimes I feel cooped up in here.”
“I’m probably going to Cancun for Christmas this year.”
“I love baths.”
Jeff is a bird disguised as a man.
Experiment #1 – Birdseed: Next time I bump into Jeff, offer him birdseed. Measure time taken to snatch.
Result: None. Forgot to bring birdseed.
Experiment #2 – Patches: Introduce Patches, my cat, next time I see him. Measure time taken to run away.
Result: None. Forgot Patches at mom’s (again).
Experiment #2a – Show him photos of Patches instead. Still measure time taken to run away.
Result: Forty-nine minutes. He seemed bored.
Experiment #3 – Bird Sacrifice: Bring pigeon into building and pretend to kill (use plastic butcher’s cleaver and ketchup) in front of Jeff. Measure reaction.
Result: Inconclusive. The pigeon shat on my hand and then attacked Jeff. Waving the plastic cleaver only aggravated the pigeon more. Ketchup (possibly blood) everywhere. A lot of flapping from Jeff — to fly?
Bird hypothesis inconclusive and now irrelevant. Jeff is moving to another floor.