Ten reasons why you shouldn’t live in a yellow submarine.

  1. The Sea Of Green is located in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
  2. The band usually begins to play right as you’re starting the New York Times crossword puzzle.
  3. Also, they’re a brass band. It’s 2021, and you’re living in a giant Thermos full of latchkey John Phillip Sousas. If you think that’s fun, you’re a psychopath.
  4. Remember your roommates that used to go around singing “We all live in apartment 3C! We all live in apartment 3C!” at the top of their lungs? No, of course you don’t. Because, it would be insane if people like that were allowed to consort with others. 
  5. When you live beneath the waves, it turns out, Wi-Fi is spotty, at best.
  6. Oh, did I mention that giant, yellow, Goldfish Cracker-shaped pods are something whales really enjoy ramming into — at full speed — just for the fun of it. No, you will not be finishing that crossword puzzle.
  7. Speaking of psychopaths, you should know that the Captain likes to yell “Full speed ahead!” whenever he feels like it. It’s the Sea of Green, not the Daytona 500, you maniac. Seriously, where do we need to be? Are we late for Aquaman’s Sunday brunch?
  8. The Octopus’s Garden is happy, safe, and has a gym. Yellow Submarine? Not so much.
  9. Your friends are all aboard, but they’re your Facebook friends who are always trying to get you to listen to Joe Rogan’s podcast
  10. No outdoor space.
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