1. You know the best place for smoothies in Tulsa.
2. You put Tulsa in the shipping address when you order from Amazon.
3. You have that Tulsa way about you.
4. Your spirit is as open as the Tulsan skies and your soul is as pure as the Tulsan waters.
5. You are better than those conceited assholes down in Oklahoma City.
6. You talk like you’re from Tulsa.
7. You shriek “Tulsa” during your night terrors and grunt “Tulsa” when you climax.
8. You visit New York and tell the Circle Line tour guide where you’re from and he thinks you said, “salsa,” and you say, “No, it’s Tulsa, with a T,” and he says, “Oh, never been there,” and then you tell him about various Tulsa things until he says, “You should probably look over there at the Statue of Liberty since you sure can’t take it back to Tulsa,” and then you freak the hell out and wish you were back home in Tulsa with the Statue of Liberty that you purloined from New York.
9. You have those brooding Tulsan eyes.
10. You beat the crud out of any conceited asshole from Oklahoma City who reminds you that Tulsa, spelled backward, is “a slut.”
11. You write the rough draft of a screenplay titled Tulsa, which has the same plot and characters as Casablanca, but it’s set in Tulsa.
12. You know that wherever you go, “we’ll always have Tulsa.”