Things I say to wow my party guests.

(As I gesture at my solid-colored throw pillows)

You’ll notice that love is NOT the heart of this home.

* * *

I spent some time on my computer today…

(Here I raise a single eyebrow) which is to say, my abacus. I’m an accurate guy!

* * *

Our president is a bit…how do I put this…unpresidential? 

(Then I proceed to laugh until everyone is laughing too.) 

* * *

How apropos…

(I remove my glasses and toss them into a nearby hole) OF NOTHING!!!!!!

* * *

Are you alright? You’re looking a little ill.

(Saying this puts me in a power position.)

* * *

I have one hundred million dollars!!!!!!!!!

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