When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the Hamburger Helpers. You will always find people who are helping, but there won’t always be Hamburger Helper on the shelves, so look for it and stock up on it.”
By Eli Grober
Worrying about the fate of the world at 4 a.m. can be exhausting. Here are some suggestions to add a little lightness to your always-ominous predawn scroll.
Bloom Scrolling:
Watch an endless supply of beautiful flowers flushing and opening.
Broom Scrolling:
Learn the ins and outs of broom mechanics and find the best broom for you.
Boom Scrolling:
Research the best boom mics in the movie business and make sure that nothing in your life goes unheard again.
Loom Scrolling:
Find out what a loom is, what it does, and how exactly it works. Maybe you’ll want to cut ties with tech and embrace that #loomlife forever.
Hume Scrolling:
David Hume’s said a lot of shit, use the internet to read it all and then decide if you can understand any of it.
Flume Scrolling:
Flumes are definitely a thing. Take some time to figure out which kind of flume you like more, a diversionary flume or a log flume? My money’s on log flume.
Plume Scrolling:
Plumes are beautiful and confusing – and I’m betting you could use an old timey hat with a jaunty ostrich plume in your life. Find one now.
Groom Scrolling:
Forget dating and just go for it, you can probably find MANY willing grooms online in only a few hours. Full disclosure: they’re probably weird.
Sleeping:
Sometimes it’s best to just put your phone in the freezer and call it a day.
By Claire Wyman and Tim Cahill.
1-2, buckle your shoe
3-4, buckle your shoe so we can head for the door
5-6, please put that down, sweetie, daddy’s late for a meeting
7-8, where was the last place you saw them?
9-10, why didn’t you think of that before you left the house?
By Jim Kuenzer
Republican Candidate Doyle Wright Wows Supporters With His Six Pack Abs
Wife of Dem. Candidate Mike Tovar Reportedly Walked Out of ‘American Sniper’
“Liberals Want Your Daughter Hooked on Korean Dramas” Says Republican Candidate Doyle Wright
Punxsutawney Phil Saw His Shadow Today. Here’s Why That’s Bad News for Mike Tovar
Opinion: Say Goodbye to English, Mike Tovar Will Force All Students To Speak Roman Era Latin
Doyle Wright Jr. Son of Doyle Wright Announces His Intention To Join the Military When He Turns 18
Heartwarming: Doyle Wright Jr. Turns 2!
Did Communist Dictator Hugo Chavez Endorses Dem. Candidate Mike Tovar?
Meet Madison Wright. She’s the Wife of Rep. Candidate Doyle Wright and She’s Pretty Badass
Did Mike Tovar Kill Jon Bonet Ramsey? Some Facebook Users Think So
Doyle Wright: “I’m Budweiser and My Opponent Is One of Those Woman Seltzer Drinks”
Wife of Mike Tovar Is Caught Buying Crystals
Democrat Mike Tovar Wins Mayoral Bid Against Republican Doyle Wright in Suspicious Upset
Mike Tovar Refused To Drink Alcohol During Election Night Celebration. Is He an Addict?
The Editorial Board: Election Integrity Is More Important Now Than Ever Before Which Is Why We Believe Mike Tovar Should Concede
I’m trapped in a poem!
I don’t know how long I’ve got…
Shit! It’s a Haiku.
By Lincoln Sorscher