Everyone’s favorite wrestler is Bone Crusher, but if you look at his birth certificate, his real name is Bone Helper. When he’s not pretending to wrestle, he works pro-bono at his dad’s chiropractic clinic.
The referees aren’t there to enforce rules. They got hired on as helpers to check in with the wrestlers and make sure they are okay with all of the lying.
The championship belt is real, but getting the belt is punishment for wrestlers who don’t finish their chores on time. The loser has to wear the championship belt with the championship pants, which are uncomfortable dress pants they have to wear on Sundays.
Even though wrestling is fake, you should know that when the wrestlers lock arms, they secretly have a thumb war. At the end of the season, the wrestler with the most wins gets to pick out a movie.
Hello Sales Team,
Congrats on a great first quarter! Due to the 28% sales increase, I am giving everyone an incredible bonus. Everyone will receive 10 extra minutes at recess.
Keep up the incredible work.
Nick, Sales Manager
Attached to this email is the final design of the new company logo. Per your notes, I added more stick people fighting a giant gorilla with bazookas.
Looking forward to your thoughts.
Kendra, Graphic Designer
This email is a reminder that, although you are not touching anyone, pointing a finger and saying, “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you” still violates the Employee Misconduct and Harassment Policy.
Brittany, HR Manager
Hope you’re all well. I am emailing to inform you that Sam spotted a strange alien bug in our building’s foyer.
You better watch out because it’s probably poisonous. If you see it, tell Marcus. He can smash it because he’s super strong and not afraid of dying.
Best, Billy, CFO
Make sure you pee before the loop starts, even if you don’t think you have to
Bill Murray is legally obligated to just kind of be there
You can get out if you ask very nicely
Every time you die in the time loop, Toms donates a pair of shoes to a kid in need
It’s the perfect time to experiment with bangs
The media only shows the loops where you have to like learn a lesson or whatever but most of them are total anomalies and you can pretty much just fuck around
Your family will be pissed if you don’t bring back souvenirs