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To those who paid me a personal visit in the parlor, I know I promised any favor on the day of my daughter’s wedding. See my responses below.

  • Don Francisco, I can read your screenplay but I can’t give notes.
  • Ricardo, you can borrow it, but I’ll need it back in time for Halloween.
  • Roberto, I can give a soft yes but I’ll need to check with my podiatrist first.
  • Dario, yes I do know Jane Fonda but frankly I’m uncomfortable passing that on.
  • Little Martin, my sincere apologies but I forgot your question. Also, I broke your air fryer.
  • Johnny Boy, my answer is yes. Always. But not on the Sabbath.
  • Stefano, I think you have the wrong guy. You want Don Mattingly.
  • Carmela, I’d love to help but I’m banned from practicing dentistry in this state.
  • And Frank, for the last time, I’m not beating up Mr. Allen for you. That creep is like, five-six. Do it yourself.

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. You think I put a bear trap in the living room to hurt, I’m sorry “maim” you. I say I put it there to catch any bears that wander in. Sorry for trying to keep you safe. What’s next? Are you going to make me take down the anvil hanging in our bedroom? My grandmother’s anvil? There just really is no pleasing you is there?

I was living for a month in that house when I received the first envelope. It was a regular white paper envelope, with a peculiarity: his name was Martin. How do I know this? Because the name “Martin” was written on the front. I found it odd – my name is also Martin– but dismissed it. I put the envelope named Martin in a drawer and went on with my life. But these strange visitors kept arriving: every month, near the end of the month, another envelope called Martin appeared under the door. I gathered them all in the same drawer, not knowing what to do with them. Why were there so many envelopes named Martin? Someone must be too lazy to name envelopes. There are so many cool names to choose from — why Martin? I was later thrown out of the house of the mysterious envelopes because the landlord says I never paid the rent. The mystery remains unsolved.